Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Just thinking...and 500 Days of Summer

So, I have been thinking a lot; thinking of my Grandmother, my friends, and what I am letting pass me by.
  I miss my Grams so much, but I know I can't live my life wishing she was still here. I have to move on, I have to keep her always in my thoughts and memories, but not let me missing her disrupt the rest of my life. She taught me so much and showed me that people suck, but you can be a great person to them anyway. She showed me that no one is perfect and that you could be the worst person in the world and someone always has it worst then you, so why not do what makes you smile and not worry about others. So I have been trying so hard to be a good person (it hasn't been going so well though). I figure I will do what makes me happy, surround myself with things and people that make me a better person, and forget about everything else. Why worry about it right? I have an issue with worrying way to much so I will be working on this the rest of my exsistance.
I've also been thinking, I need to get out of bed more and do something... hehe I know this sounds silly but ,really, I sleep every chance I can. I don't Sleep very well (I toss and turn all night or day) but then I wake up and all I want to do is hit the pillow again. I am searching for something to cling to, something that will take away all my troubles and just make me feel wonderful. Like art ,for instance, I absolutly adore everything that has anything to do with art. When I paint I can loose myself in a good painting. I feel like I could concour the world, and I just might. So instead of sleeping the day away I need to create something. I found a quote that describes me in so many ways...

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanely sensitive. To them... a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death.
Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create -- so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, their very breath is cut off...
They must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency they are not really alive unless they are creating."

It's so perfect, if I am not using my creativity I just don't know what to do. Which is where I am at this moment in my life....Stuck in a corner with the need to create, but no idea where to start.

I have been questioning those close to me a lot, lately. I haven't fully trusted people and I think it stems back to me and my Grams. She was my best friend. I am starting to compare everyone to her and even find myself being rude and bitter to those that frustrate me. I only have a few people I can talk to. Some of my closest friends I have been pulling away from and holding on to those that are fun, but I know will only hurt me in the end. "Everyone leaves in the end..." Johnny Cash had it correct. Why do I do this to myself? Why even let yourself fall so hard for friends only to be hurt?
So many questions, so long of a life to never have them answered.....

On a different note, I went to see the movie 500 Days of Summer today and can I just say IT IS AMAZING!?! Well, it is AMAZING! I Love Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel together. I knew I would love it, the second I saw the preview.

It is my new favorite!! Really funny until the end, of course! I think everyone has potential to like this movie, it has a little bit of everything. This movie had me hooked from the first 5 seconds, when the narrator said "This is a story about a boy and a girl, but I must worn you, It is not a Love story but a story about Love" And no matter how much you think it will end up being a love story it clearly turns out not to be...anyone who is not sure about love should see this movie!!!I could go on, and on, but I won't, just go see it. It's so worth it, a must see!! What are you waiting for? Get to the theater!

TTFN (TaTa For Now)

Saturday, August 1, 2009

A whirlpool full of emotions...

Lately things have been a little crazy for me, emotionally. My Grandma Thelma, the mom I should have had, my best friend, my support system, one of the only people I can trust, and the most wonderful woman I've ever had the pleasure to know, has passed away. She was my rock, she was always so honest with me, she made me want to be a better person and strive to be the person I've always wanted to be. She taught me to always give people a second chance, but to never let someone hurt you twice (something I have had trouble with my whole life). I have been doing very well with her passing, I have my moments, and right now is one of them. I miss her so much it just hurts my heart to think that I can't just take her to lunch or ask her for advice, or even sit with her for hours and read a book. I was fortunate enough to spend alot of time with her so I have no regrets but that doesn't make me feel better.
So, does mourning a loved one ever really get easier? I can't see myself being fully okay with this, ever. I'm always going to miss her and I'm always going to be sad and cry when something reminds me of her, or when I think about how much I could use her friendship and honesty (when I don't have that from others). When do we move on? And does it really matter if we don't ever move on? I want to enjoy the memories of her, but I never want to forget a single second of my time with her. I Love you Grandma, your my Heart.